“The deepest work of recovering from trauma involves healing the little girl/boy inside who is still hurting.”
Marnie Ferree
Recommended Reading: No Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction
Let me tell you a story of three little bears. Picture three little teddy bears sitting on chairs. You know these bears very well, they’ve been with you your whole life. Their names are healthy bear, hurt bear, and harmful habit bear.
Healthy Bear
Picture healthy bear sitting in the middle chair. Healthy bear represents the part of you that is created in the image of God. Whole, holy, unblemished, and completely connected to God, this bear represents your most authentic self. Think of this little bear as the most innocent little kid version of yourself. This little bear is curious, playful, and kind, and is completely dependent and trusting of its caregivers. It is vulnerable and in touch with its feelings. The chief characteristic of this bear is its willingness to allow feelings to come to the surface. The bear understands the importance of love, intimacy, and relationship. Confident that it is loved by God, this bear is free from shame, fully embracing its nakedness and splendor in front of God and others without a fear of rejection, abandonment, or abuse. This bear tells the truth instead of hiding or pretending. Like God’s creation in the very beginning – this little bear is “good.” This bear is a part of you.
Hurt Bear
Sitting to the right you see a really small bear. This is hurt bear. This bear represents the sobbing, hurting, wounded child within you. Although smaller than the other bear, this is actually the biggest part of you. When you feel small or young or alone, it is this little bear speaking to you. This bear started off vulnerable and healthy and innocent, but then life wounded it. The bear experienced various forms of abandonment and abuse. It was taught that it had to minimize its feelings and deny that anything was wrong with its upbringing. The bear was wounded by having to live by a rigid role as the perfect little prince or princess or the scapegoat or the protector or the comedian, or the spiritual saint to keep the family system in tact. This bear might have been physically or sexually abused. It didn’t receive the healthy attachment it desired. The bear did not receive the comfort and safety it needed. The bear learned that it was not okay to need or ask for help. It grew up believing it was unloved and inadequate and unworthy. The bear feels sad, scared, and alone. This bear is a part of you.
Harmful Habit Bear
To the left you have a a really big bear. This is harmful habit bear. This bear represents the coping, survivor child within you. Acting more like a protective mother, this bear wants to take care of the wounded child and keep the child away from harm. The bear tries to help by soothing the little bear with destructive habits and behaviors that bring temporary relief- like addictions or people pleasing or overworking or over spiritualizing or blaming others. This bear tends to work on extreme opposites – either completely withdrawing from situations and isolating itself, or becoming an over-achiever to avoid the risk of rejection. This bear is susceptible to using even religious activities to distance the little bear from having to face big scary feelings. This bear represents all the ways you have unconsciously learned to deal with pain. Like the other bears, this bear is a part of you.
Lies, and Traumas, and Bears, Oh my!
Let me tell you another story. I was sitting in front of my therapist one day sharing about a time in 5th grade where I felt completely humiliated. I reminisced about being severely overweight and having to sit cross legged on the cafeteria floor for an awards assembly. I was not flexible, and I was not comfortable, and I hated sitting for what seemed like an eternity.
At this particular event, I knew I was receiving an award. I sat and waited and sat and waited for my name to be called. An hour passed by, and the principal finally turned to my award category. I heard my name called, and I tried to stand up – key word, “tried.” My legs had totally fallen asleep. I could not feel my legs, and I wobbled and wobbled trying to stand. “This can’t be happening,” I thought to myself.
First there was clapping at the calling of my name, but then there was a deafening awkward silence as everyone waited for me to stand up. I finally managed to stand and take a step, but then my leg froze. I got that crazy painful feeling of sharp needles tingling through my legs as blood flushed through my veins. I couldn’t pick up either of my legs. My upper body tried to move forward, but my lower half wouldn’t move… And that’s when the laughs started to kick in.
I just kept trying to put one foot in front of the other. I looked like a robot trying to walk for the first time. I remember the laughing like it was yesterday. I didn’t dare look up. There were kids and adults all laughing and pointing. I remember putting on a smile and laughing myself. What else could I do? I figured if I went along with it, it would lessen the humiliation. I finally managed to get to the stage to get my award and ran back to my tiny spot on the floor as fast as I could. For the rest of the year I was, “the fat kid who did the robot.”
- No one spoke up for me and quieted the crowd.
- No one comforted me afterward and gave me a shoulder to lean on.
- No one protected me from the ridicule and bullying.
- No one came to my rescue.
A part of me learned that day that I was ugly, vulnerable, and on my own to protect myself from harm. The little bear inside me became very familiar with shame, and the big bear inside me vowed to do whatever it took to help me find comfort, even if it meant I would be addicted to unwanted sexual behaviors for decades to come.
As I explained all this to my therapist, I remember saying, “I hate that little fat kid. I hate the ten year old little Alex who picked up unwanted sexual behaviors. I am so angry with him for picking up the habit and opening the door to addiction. I want to go back and remove him from my story.” I was so angry at him for being fat, for being unattractive, for being so sensitive, for choosing that particular addiction over others. “I wish that kid wasn’t part of my life.”
And then my therapist asked me a question I will never forget, “what would it look like to have compassion on that little boy?”
Woah… what do you mean compassion? You mean to love that little boy? To accept that little boy? To embrace that little boy?
“What would it look like, Alex?”
And in that moment, a tear streamed down my face. It was one of the slowest and heaviest tears I’ve ever let drip. That day I realized that that little boy inside me was wounded and did whatever he could to survive. The little bear inside me was alone and filled with shame, and the big bear was the only person in the world who came to my rescue. The big bear who picked up the addiction helped me survive. That bear did what it thought it needed to do to help me feel seen, soothed, and safe. That bear found something that worked, even if it was only temporary. The big bear saved the little bear’s life.
My therapist then gave me an assignment that changed my life. “Talk to little Alex. Tell him how much you love and appreciate him. Tell him how grateful you are for his attempts to help you. Tell him that he no longer needs to have that responsibility. Tell him that you are now an adult, and that you can watch over him and protect him and make choices on your own.”
That’s the key to the story of the three bears: there is a healthy adult standing behind the three bears who notices the three bears and is aware of all that they are. This healthy adult is able to talk to the bears instead of automatically acting out. The adult is able to discern when they are triggered, and could interrogate their bears to understand where they are coming from. The adult is able to look at pain and discomfort and process feelings with grace and curiosity. Most importantly, the adult knows they have options and can reach out to others for care and support. The adult can show love to the three bears. The adult can love themselves.
Today, when I’m triggered and tempted to act out, I turn to the big bear and say, “Thank you for trying to help me. Thank you for trying to protect me. Thank you for wanting me to feel power and significance and love. I can honor your heart, but I can take it from here. I am not a little kid anymore, and I can develop more healthy ways of coping.”
Similarly, I turn to the little wounded bear and say, “Little bear, I see you. I see the pain you experienced. I know what you went through. It mattered. And it wasn’t your fault. It mattered. And it wasn’t your fault. It mattered. And it wasn’t your fault. I could see that you are scared and feel shame. I am here to take care of you now. You are safe.”
Finally, I turn to the bear in the middle, the real me, the deepest, most authentic part of me, and say, “you can come out of hiding now. You can create freely and express yourself and enjoy the real world. You can open your heart to experience love and relationship. You are loved and wanted for who you are, just as you are.”
Recovery that Works
What’s all this about? I wanted to provide you with a picture of what I think true healing looks like. This was just one baby step and one story of several that I have explored throughout my own recovery journey, but the underlying approach is the power of telling your story.
There are all kinds of counselors out there, with many different backgrounds and educations and approaches. I am of the strong opinion that therapeutic approaches that are all about helping you change your thinking patterns will be limited. While many have found help from changing their thinking, I believe God is after way more than your thinking, he’s after healing your past.
To truly heal, we have to take a deep dive into our past and into our family system to understand exactly how we were harmed and how we have adapted our way of being to shield ourselves from further harm. In other words, grieving our past is the key to healing. That is why I am a huge fan of the three bears analogy.
This illustration of the bears, adapted by Marnie Ferree, is a simplified version of two awesome therapeutic approaches: Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Inner Child Healing (ICH). The whole idea behind IFS is that we are made up of a core self (the God image inside us) and many different parts. None of the parts are bad, they are simply stuck in unhelpful patterns. In traditional IFS, we have the parts of us that carry our core beliefs and feelings like shame and we have the parts of us that try really hard to protect us from pain, parts like the perfectionist, the controller, the pessimist, the self-sabotager, the over spender, the addict, and the spiritualizer. The goal is to get to know these parts and care for them so they do not act on autopilot.
The three bears illustration is also a version of inner child healing (ICH). The idea behind ICH is that our kid version of ourselves is running the show and needs to be understood and tended to. The little kid wants comfort at all costs and has a low emotional aptitude. The kid needs to be affirmed and explored and encouraged to let go of its responsibility to fix things. The baseline for both of these approaches is exploring your past through storytelling.
1.) Story Work: Story work is absolutely necessary for true healing. There are all kinds of other ways counselors might prescribe to stop unhealthy habits. I’m convinced those ways are temporary. To truly heal, we must tell our stories again and again and again. “Resolving the traumas of abuse and abandonment and healing the shame they create are the ultimate task of recovery,” says Ferree. And you can’t do that without revisiting the past. We need to have someone else hear our story, validate our pain or illuminate where we’ve avoided feeling the pain, and help us see the particularities of how we’ve been harmed. We need to be able to grieve, to express anger, and to challenge false beliefs and vows we made as children. Telling stories is a true power. To learn more I recommend:
Altogether Your by Jenna Riemersma
2.) Parenting your inner child: I admit this sounds weird, but the deepest most lasting form of recovery is healing the wounded little kid inside of us. We have to understand that each stage of development came with some core needs. When those needs weren’t met, we were harmed. Our struggles and addictions today are correlated to emotional pain and trauma. It is the little kid inside us who has unresolved distress, and all that kid has learned to do is to seek comfort. The kid has taught us to use defense mechanisms like distraction and withdrawal to avoid dealing with the pain. Our job is to learn to care for that little kid by providing new protections and permissions. You can tell your inner child that it’s ok to feel what they feel, it’s ok to have desires, it’s ok to have fun and play, and it’s ok to be scared. And you need to tell your kid that you are now the mature adult who can run the show. To learn more I recommend:
Going Deeper by Eddie Capparucci
3.) Learning from fantasies: The particularities of our fantasies reveal something about our woundedness. My addiction lost its power when I realized what it represented to me. Fantasies are teachers and roadmaps, they show us how we were harmed and what we are hoping to reclaim or repeat through our acting out. Let’s take the example of searching for erotic content online. We don’t look for random content, we have specific words we type into that search bar. Ever wonder why THOSE specific words go into that search bar? Why are THOSE particular fantasies and images arousing to us? Why are THOSE particular fantasies sought out? The truth is that no matter how perverted the fantasy is, it reveals meaning to you. Your fantasy could be a replication of your trauma in that it is particularly violent. Or it could be the opposite of your trauma by providing you a scenario where you feel comfort and safety and nurtured. All of it is an attempt to resolve your trauma, and the solution is understanding what your fantasy represents for you. There is a lot of work that could be done here by dissecting your fetishes and fantasies. They are not random. Instead of blaming yourself, take the time to study your addiction. Your addiction is the very stage through which God’s work of redemption will unfold if we allow ourselves to pay attention and attune to the deep longings our fantasies represent. To learn more I recommend:
As always, I am here for you, judgement free. Just reach out.
Love,
Alex
Leave a Reply