“One evening of deliberate curiosity about your sexual fantasies will take you further into transformation than a thousand nights of prayerful despair.”
Jay Stringer
Have you ever wondered what arouses you, and why that particular fetish or fantasy is arousing to you? There may be particular role plays, scenes, or body parts that entice you more than others. Why are you attracted to feet? Why red hair? Why older or younger men/women? Why skinny? Why broad and muscular? Why multiple people? Why a particular race or ethnicity? Why braces? Why black clothing? Why jewelry? Why outdoors? Why indoors? Why gloves? Why standing? Why water? Why, why, why? Literally, there are hundreds if not thousands of things that can make-up your particular arousal template.
If you’re anything like me, you probably feel intense shame about any fetish or “weird” arousal template you might have. If anyone would have asked me why I liked x,y, or z, my response would have been something along the lines of, “because I’m a sicko.” Unfortunately, our shame and stigmas behind our sexual attractions are exactly why the attractions have so much power over us. We believe that our fantasies are bad, but the truth is that our fantasies hold messages beneath the surface that can help us heal from our addictions.
As Jay Stringer puts it, “one evening of deliberate curiosity about your sexual fantasies will take you further into transformation than a thousand nights of prayerful despair.” Our unwanted fetishes, fantasies, and sexual attractions have something to tell us, and we can learn to listen to what they have to say. Rather than condemn ourselves for our arousal template, it’s time we get curious about it.
The secret behind your unwanted sexual fetishes, fantasies, and sexual attractions is that they are not random. You are sexually aroused by specific items, types of people, and scenes for a reason, and it all has to do with the unaddressed and unresolved parts of your story.
The secret behind your unwanted fetishes, fantasies, and sexual attractions is that they are not random.
Who’s involved in your fantasy? Men? Women? Both? Large or small body types? What color hair do they have? What are they wearing? Where does it take place? What exactly are they doing? Any body parts or objects emphasized? All of this stuff means something. And all of it points to a story of pain.
Let me show you how.
There are two primary ways our unwanted fetishes, fantasies, and sexual attractions point to a story of pain: trauma reversal and trauma repetition. That is to say, p*rnographic scenes are designed to appeal to us by either repeating or reversing painful experiences from our past.
1.) P*rn as Trauma Reversal
At a basic level, fantasies take real pain from real experiences and reframe it into pleasure. Every fantasy is based on some element of reality, and, therefore, every fantasy is is an attempt to “re-write” reality. The primary question to ask yourself when you are fantasizing is this: how is this unwanted fetish, fantasy, or sexual attraction reclaiming or reversing what was lost in your own upbringing?
For instance, a common theme in p*rnography is the “power over” theme. These types of p*rnographic scenes are domineering and aggressive. If you are drawn to this particular storyline, it can mean that you have felt powerless, small, and controlled at some point in your past. While you are consuming this particular type of p*rnography, what you are doing at a subconscious level is putting yourself into the scene so that you can embody the power and freedom you always wanted.
How is this unwanted fetish, fantasy, or sexual attraction reclaiming or reversing what was lost in your own upbringing?
Individuals who grew up with excessive rules and domineering parental figures, for instance, are much more likely to pursue fantasies of power over others. This could include depictions of larger people over smaller people, people tied up or abused, or even particular ethnic groups that subconsciously appear to you to be more delicate or fragile or subservient in some way.
Consider Steven. As an adult man, Steven’s p*rnogaphic search bar includes the words: “woman with glasses.” Before his recovery journey, he had no idea why he was aroused by women who wore glasses. He just always thought he was weird, and he was disgusted in himself. He never once considered that there was a story behind the glasses, a story that would ultimately open the door to healing from shame and addiction.
When Steven was in the fifth grade, he got in trouble quite a bit. His female teacher was super strict and would always pick on Steven. His teacher had a system in place where if he disobeyed, he would have to go to the front of the room to a sign that had everyone’s name on it, and he would have to change the green card under his name to yellow. If he got in trouble again, he would have to change the yellow card to red. Steven regularly got a red card. He recalls being silenced every time he tried to explain himself. The teacher wouldn’t let him speak. She would simply sit behind her desk and tap her fingernails on the desk as she watched him walk the walk of shame to the front of the room. Here is the kicker: the teacher wore glasses.
Steven’s obsession with glasses is not random, it points to the place of humiliation and powerlessness from the 5th grade. As he participates in his fantasy, he is reversing the role. The teacher now listens and answers to him. He gets to tell her what to do. He gets to stand over her. He gets to feel strong, worthy, and in control.
Is Steven really attracted to his 5th grade teacher? No. But that’s not the point. The point is that his body, heart, and mind made a subconscious association with glasses at a pivotal time in his life. And the association became eroticized as he discovered p*rnography and m*sturbation.
Steven’s unresolved and unaddressed pain was the experience of having been silenced and shamed. He felt humiliated walking up to the front of the class, and he wasn’t able to use his words to defend himself. His fetish to glasses gives him a voice and a sense of glory he was deprived of.
Having made those connections, Steven is now able to understand the why behind his fetish, and he is able to address the real pain lurking behind his addiction. Steven can embrace his good and God-given desire for having a voice and for living without shame. He can take steps to find healthy arenas for his voice to be heard. He can take steps to bless, accept, and affirm the little boy who lives inside him.
What about you? What’s your reversal fantasy?
- If you grew up with rigidity, it makes sense that you would want freedom.
- If you grew up feeling abandoned and invisible, it makes sense that you would want to be seen and pursued.
- If you grew up feeling ugly and unwanted, it makes sense that you would want to be attractive and desired.
- If you grew up feeling inadequate about parts of your body, it makes sense that you would want the opposite in your fantasy.
- If you grew up without friends, it makes sense that you would want lots of people giving you attention.
- If you grew up with a disengaged parent, it makes sense that you would pursue engagement.
Questions for reflection:
- In what ways were you powered over as a child? And by whom?
- What were you deprived of?
- How does your particular fantasy of choice make you feel? When have you felt this way before? When have you felt the opposite before?
- What is your heart really searching for behind the words in your search bar?
2.) P*rn as Trauma Repetition/Re-enactment
Similarly, trauma experts have also highlighted how our addictions can become ways we re-enact or repeat the harm that was done to us. Unwanted sexual fantasies, fetishes, and attractions can be a way of seeking situations or persons that re-create traumatic experiences or pain from your past.
In no place is this more destructive than in the area of sexual abuse. One of the most eye-opening and thought provoking quotes I’ve ever read is from Dan Allender. He posits that, “Abusers were a better picture of God than one’s parents or other primary caregivers.” Why? Because the abuser knew their victim intimately enough to fill the void in the victim’s heart. Through the grooming process, the abuser initially created a false sense of safety or trust and gave the victim a sense of worth, affirmation, safety, and connection that was missing in their lives.
Unwanted sexual fantasies, fetishes, and attractions can be a way of seeking situations or persons that re-create traumatic experiences or pain from your past.
In sexual abuse, the perpetrator grooms their victim to experience arousal and pleasure. It’s normal for our bodies to feel aroused when we see or touch naked body parts, especially for the first time. But when victims of sexual abuse feel pleasure, something in them feels bad about feeling pleasure. It’s a terrible bind of pleasure but then shame. The victim curses their body and curses their heart and soul for enjoying the abuse at some level.
The victim is tragically bound to the abuser and in some ways becomes addicted to ruin and self-hatred. Individuals can find themselves aroused by unsafe people or relationships because those fantasies subconsciously remind them of someone that caused them harm or caused humiliation or shame.
Individuals who have experienced sexual, emotional, or physical abuse can often find in p*rnography an arena to relive the pain associated with their story. Rather than seek out fantasies of dominion or control, they may find themselves seeking fantasies where they are powered over and subordinate before another.
This is overgeneralizing, but studies show that many women are drawn to this type of fantasy. Women who were powered over can grow up to be women who pursue fantasies where harm and brutality are reinforced, or where they were used to serve others. It’s no surprise that the film Fifty Shades of Grey was so popular. Many viewers resonated with the main character’s exploration of eroticized pain. The fantasy throughout points to a pain lurking beneath the surface of your life, if you begin to listen to what it is actually trying to tell you.
Consider Sally. As an adult woman, Sally believes she is “screwed up” because she consumes lots of p*rnography involving women stripping or harming themselves. She feels intense shame for her addiction, and even more for the scenes she is drawn to. She is convinced that her p*rn consumption is evidence of just how messed up she is. She believes she is aroused by something that should not be arousing to her.
Sally’s obsession with strippers is not random. As the middle child growing up, she was the one who got the least amount of attention at home. She did get lots of attention at school, but not the good kind. When she was in middle school, all of her girlfriends were going through puberty, but she was a “late bloomer.” All of the girls in the locker room talked about the new bras they were buying and how much all the boys would glance over at them. Sally was the target of ridicule. She was given the nickname, “flat-chest Sally.” To make matters worse, her older and younger sisters had larger breasts. She was the outcast and the oddball, and she hated her body.
Furthermore, her entire upbringing felt like a competition for her dad’s attention. Her sisters were really girly, and her dad would take them shopping. Sally was more of a sports girl, but her dad never showed up to any of her soccer games. The lack of attention and support led to an internalized feeling of abandonment. She developed a core belief that she was ugly, stupid, and unworthy.
In her fantasy, Sally is subconsciously transported back to her middle school locker room. As the women on the screen harm themselves, Sally is comforted by the familiar pain of humiliation by her middle school girl friends. Feelings of ridicule, shame, and inadequacy come to the surface as she consumes her p*rnography of choice. The fact that her fantasy involves women taking off their clothes illuminates Sally’s desire to be like her sisters who shop for clothing with their father. And it is not surprising that Sally prefers scenes without men, given her father’s detached style of relating. Sally’s experience demonstrates how traumatic experiences can reenact themselves in our fantasy world.
Sally’s unresolved and unaddressed pain was the experience of having been shamed and emotionally abandoned. She had intense contempt for her body as she was humiliated by those she held most dearly. She felt ignored by her dad even in the midst of seeking his love. In her male-less fantasy, she re-enacted both the pain of being an outcast and the pain of being targeted ridicule.
Having made those connections, Sally is now able to understand the why behind her arousal template, and she is able to take steps to address the unresolved tension of her story. Sally can embrace her good and God-given desire for beauty and belonging. She can take steps to learn to embrace and care for her body without shame and to restore the brokenness in her family system.
Questions for Reflection:
- What undesired or developmentally inappropriate sexual experiences were you involved in as a child?
- Were you ever bullied or ridiculed? Can you recall the specifics of what they made fun of?
- What connections can you make between your pain and your p*rn use?
Your Turn: Helpful Resources
It was a groundbreaking moment in my own recovery journey when I came to see what my arousal template symbolized for me. I was not a sicko. My fetish was not something to despise of. It was trying to send me a message. It was trying to give me a roadmap to the places of heartache and shame in my adolescence. I just needed to develop the tools, courage, and shame-free curiosity to begin to unpack the why behind my arousal template.
Every ingredient in your arousal template includes a message about your unresolved stories of pain. There is no one size fits all, for every story has its unique particularities. It’s time we face our fetishes and fantasies with compassion and curiosity rather than judgement and shame. Without understanding what your fetish or fantasy represents for you, you’ll have a difficult time finding lasting freedom from your addiction. I invite you to interrogate your sexual desires rather than blame yourself for them. The pathway to healing from your unwanted fetishes, fantasies, or sexual attractions beings with discovering how they came to be.
As someone who has done a lot of story work surrounding the particularities of fantasy, trust me, it works. To take baby steps on this journey, I invite you to the check out these resources:
- Sexual Fantasy Framework (short videos and simple worksheet)
- Sexual Behavior Assessment (an in-depth, personalized questionnaire that makes connections between your sexual attractions and your past)
Blessings to you my friend. I’m here for you.
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