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“The past isn’t dead. It’s not even the past.”

-William Faulkner

(Learn more about attachment and sexuality at @jay_stringer_)

Let’s admit it – our relationship with sex is complex. We have lots of feelings about it. We crave closeness and intimacy with sex, but we also run away from it. We want to be connected to another, but we might also feel disconnected and shameful during the act, or we might have difficulty cuddling and talking after sex. We have desires, but might be too afraid to ask for what we want. We want to be known and loved for who we are, but we struggle being truly vulnerable and open in the bedroom. We want companionship for life, but struggle with commitment issues or trust. We struggle with p*rnography and other unwanted sexual behaviors despite wanting to stop. We search for a lifelong partner and feel hopeless about ever finding our match.

What does our relationship with sex say about who we are and how we grew up? Everything.

Our relationship with sex is largely influenced by our attachment style.

We learned to experience the world, including sex, based on our relationship with our primary caregivers.

What does our relationship with sex say about who we are and how we grew up? Everything.

In the 1950s, John Bowlby introduced the concept of attachment. He studied separation issues between children and their mothers and how those issues impacted the way children grew up to engage with the world. Experts like Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Curt Thompson have built on Bowlby’s work, making the concept of attachment a widely recognized way of understanding how our earliest relationships shaped our brains.

Dr. Thompson defines attachment as “the process by which the immature infant brain accesses and utilizes the strengths of the mature adult brain in order to learn how to organize and regulate itself.” Picture a mother holding and comforting her crying baby. The baby’s brain is processing, experience, and feeling what the mother is offering, and, it is developing a belief about what the world is like based on that interaction.

Dr. Siegel states that all humans, from infancy, have four essential needs. We needed to be seen, soothed, safe, and secure, and the extent to which those desires were met impact how we learn to trust and relate to others.

We needed to be seen, soothed, safe, and secure, and the extent to which those desires were met impact how we learn to trust and relate to others.

If we experienced being sufficiently seen, soothed, safe, and secure growing up, we would have developed what we call a secure attachment. A secure attachment is the basis for being able to have a secure sense of self, which empowers us to freely risk and engage with the world, knowing that we have inherent worth and knowing how to regulate ourselves during difficult times or relational ruptures.

To be seen means we were paid attention to and affirmed for who we were. Our caregivers noticed us and encouraged us to share our emotions without judgement or rejection.

To be soothed means we were responded to. Our caregivers noticed our distress, even our non-verbal cues, and gave us nurturing and care in our time of need. Our caregivers gave us their presence and comfort.

To be safe means we were given a stable and predictable environment. We knew that we could count on our caregivers to be there when we needed them and to stick up for us or provide us with the care we needed.

To be secure means we were able to trust our caregivers and ourselves precisely because the other three needs were met. Being seen, soothed, and safe, provided the groundwork to securely risk and take on the world.

Michael John Cusick, in his new book, Sacred Attachment, puts it this way:

• Seen = parent or caregiver communicates, “I get you.”
• Soothed = parent or caregiver communicates, “I’ve got you.” 
• Safe = parent or caregiver communicates, “I’ve got this.”
• Secure = child experiences and internalizes, “love has me.”

If our primary caregivers were incapable of offering us the consistent felt experience of being seen, soothed, safe, and secure, we would have developed other forms of attachment that were less than secure.

The three insecure attachment styles widely recognized today are: anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

Let’s explore how these different attachment styles shape our sexual desires and behaviors.

The Four Attachment Styles and Their Impact on Sex

1. Secure Attachment: Sex as Emotional Intimacy

People with a secure attachment style are able to experience healthy emotional intimacy during sex. They grew up in an environment where they learned that their caregivers could be relied upon to consistently offer love, presence, nurturing, affection help, protection, and acceptance. They learned that their needs would be met, fostering a deep sense of trust and safety. Just as important, they were taught how to soothe in healthy ways and were given permission to ask for help and to communicate their needs. They learned that they mattered and were loved for being who they were just as they were. Secure attachment empowers individuals to explore the world, develop a sense of confidence and worth, and to be vulnerable with others.

How it shows up in sex:

• You feel genuinely seen, heard, loved, and valued
• You share needs, desires, and emotions without fear of rejection or shame
• You feel physically and emotional safe
• You mutually give and receive pleasure and playfulness
• You are able to receive and offer compassion and grace
• You can explore and express your erotic and emotional self vulnerably and confidently

Securely attached individuals are able to remain authentic, giving their whole self to another with a foundational level of trust that they are fully loved and respected. Through sex, they experience being fully seen, fully known, and fully loved. Because securely attached individuals are less prone to fear abandonment, they can enjoy sex and experience mutually satisfying sexual relationships.

2. Anxious Attachment: Sex as Neediness

People with an anxious attachment style grew up with primary caregivers that were unreliable, inconsistent, unavailable, or intrusive. They grew up in households where parents were incapable of regulating themselves and were filled with stress, anxiety, and anger that was often directed at their children. In many cases, the kids learned to regulate their parents vice the other way around. Children craved closeness and learned to develop fears of abandonment. They also learned that there was no point in waiting for their parents for nurturing; they learned not to wait on parents or caregivers but to find ways to pacify themselves, even with addictive behaviors.

As adults, anxiously attached individuals fear being overlooked, rejected, or outcast, and they constantly seek validation and reassurance in relationships. Their primary questions are: “Will anyone care about me? Will anyone show up for me when I’m in need? Will anyone see me?”

Those with an anxious attachment style often see sex as a way to gain validation, reassurance, or emotional closeness. Because they fear rejection or abandonment, they have a lot of expectation and anxiety with sex.

How it shows up in sex:

• You use sex as reassurance that you are loved or that someone is committed to you
• You use sex to validate your self-worth
• You become anxious without sex, fearing that you are rejected or unwanted
• You overanalyze a partner’s sexual or emotional interest
• You become clingy or controlling in relationships
• You become over-reliant on p*rnography or affairs as places for soothing and the feeling of being desired

People with an anxious attachment style are craving for someone to meet their need for connection, while always questioning whether they are worthy of that connection. Sex, therefore, feels like a double-edged sword – it offers connection, but it also offers further anxiety with a constant search for validation, belonging, and comfort.

3. Avoidant Attachment: Sex as Emotional Distance

People with an avoidant attachment style grew up in households where the primary caregivers were emotionally unavailable, unresponsive, or even dismissive. This is the house where emotions were not allowed. Children learned that it was not safe to be themselves and to express real emotions like sadness or anger. The caregivers may have ignored the child when they were crying or asking for comfort. The caregivers may have withheld affection during times of need. The caregivers wanted the child to “grow up” or “toughen up.” Often times the parents are incapable of handling or welcoming the kids’ emotions, declaring things like “go to your room if you are going to cry,” or “stop being so emotional,” or “I’ll give you something to cry about.”

As a result, these children grow up learning to keep emotions to themselves and to avoid seeking comfort or help from others. They took on a core belief that says they cannot rely on anyone else. They learned to prefer independence and self-sufficiency over emotional intimacy and vulnerability. Becoming too close to someone or sharing too truthfully was threatening.

How it shows up in sex:

• You enjoy the physical aspects of sex but find it difficult to engage emotionally
• You might prefer casual sex over investing in relationship
• You might use sex to control relationships, keeping partners at a safe distance
• You may avoid cuddling or connecting emotionally right after sex
• You may become “turned off” if a partner starts to get close or starts to ask for emotional needs
• You use sex to escape from emotional distress, heartache, and pain (albeit likely unconsciously)
• You might become over-reliant on p*rnography or affairs as means for arousal without the risk of vulnerability and intimacy

People with avoidant attachment styles have a deeper desire to surrender their self-reliance. Beneath the surface, they are craving for authenticity and for someone to give them permission to be themselves.

4. Disorganized Attachment: Sex as Untrustworthy

People with disorganized attachment styles have a mix of anxious and avoidant traits. They have an inner conflict; they want intimacy and closeness but also tremendously fear it. They grew up in homes that offered both a sense of comfort and fear, with primary caregivers who were inconsistent. This results in unpredictable and sporadic patterns with sex.

Individuals with disorganized attachment typically experienced significant trauma, abuse, or loss. They may have experience violations of innocence through physical, sexual, or spiritual abuse. As children, they did not know how to respond to their inconsistent caregivers who were often the source of trauma. Children experienced their parents as terrifying or unpredictable. As adults, they fear that those closest to them will hurt them.

How it shows up in sex:

• You alternate between desiring closeness and pushing partners away
• You feel drawn to but also fearful of emotional vulnerability in the bedroom
• You might be drawn to partners who are abusive or controlling, often re-enacting narratives of harm from your past
• You use sex to control or feel power over others
• You use p*rnography to cope with anxiety or to avoid thinking about relationships altogether
• You experience a numbness or dissociation during sex, as if you weren’t even in the room
• You have difficult trusting partners; you keep an emotional distance

People with disorganized attachment experience sex as both a source of delight and distress. Their great struggle is to find stability and comfort in relationships.

Healing Insecure Attachment

Your attachment style doesn’t have to be a lifelong diagnoses, and it does not define you. It’s also important to note that you may resonate with more than one attachment style. These aren’t meant to be buckets of rigidity but rather lenses by which to gain some awareness of why we react to today’s circumstances in different ways. We can take steps to heal the wounds and core beliefs that influence the way we relate to sex and intimacy. While there is no perfect formula, there are three powerful steps we can take:

1.) Understand our story

Awareness is our superpower. As we come to name the dynamics of our families and the situations in our story that caused us pain, we come to understand that our brains and hearts learned to cope in very logical ways. We developed an attachment style based on what we received or didn’t receive from our caregivers. We can approach our bodies and our stories with compassion and truth.

2.) Re-parent ourselves

We can begin to develop a healthier and kinder inner-voice, one that offers caring and nurturing words when we feel wounded. We can be the ones to offer ourselves the attunement and presence we always wanted. We can learn to coach ourselves to regulate our big emotions. We can listen to ourselves, set boundaries that help us feel safe, remind ourselves that we are not alone, and offer ourselves words of affirmation and love.

3.) Lean into safe relationships

The biggest way we can unlearn insecure attachment is through experiencing safe and healthy relationships. Who are the people we trust? Who are the ones who love us and believe in us? Who are the ones who give their gentle listening? Who are the ones who show up when needed? Who are the ones who remind us of our goodness and worth? May we lean into these relationships to build a a foundation of safety we can rely on as we boldly pursue healthier romantic relationships and experiences of true intimacy with sex.

Need Tips for Healing Unwanted Sexual Behavior?

Make sure to check out my free resources at the link below. I offer practical guides to help couples who are experiencing sexual heartache and betrayal. It feels lonely and hopeless when you don’t know who to talk to or what to do. I’ve been there. I got you. Click below or send me an email at healingherobooks@gmail.com.

I’m here for you. Just reach out.

Blessings,

Alex